I've been a spiritual seeker all my life. Raised atheist by ex-Mormons, I journeyed through Quakerism and Buddhism, and Centering Prayer acquainted me with Catholic monasticism, which I explored but abandoned. Last year, grace led me into a new close friendship with someone who embodies loving Catholicism. Our rich conversations about spiritual matters and my discovery of St. Augustine's writings helped me see the Church and a life of faith in an entirely new way. She guided me to St. Ignatius and as I sat near the back that first Sunday, though I had yet to understand the mysteries of the Trinity and Eucharist, the relevance of objects all around me -- our amazing RCIA program would later fill those in -- the moment the plainchant began, I knew I was no longer a seeker. St. Augustine describes his conversion as returning home, and that's what it feels like for me. Also like him, I feel called. I'm long past my "formative years" and didn't convert for a spouse or child, yet I have found myself drawn to this sea change, this awakening, like it was inevitable. As the beautiful Jeremiah passage says, 'You have seduced me, O God, and I have let myself be seduced.'

The Gospel reading, which corresponded to baptism and the beginning of the forty days of Lent, is about Jesus' forty days in the desert and the temptations that were put before him. Cardinal Egan welcomes us and talks about the Church's delight at our decision. Then he gets to the reading and devotes the end of his homily to telling the story of how, as a young seminarian when the book The Last Temptation of Christ was published, while conservative Catholic groups were yelling and screaming about its evilness, he rushed out and got it, and reading that portrayal of a thoroughly human Jesus who struggled with temptation brought him back from the brink of a secret crisis of faith that had almost led him away from the Church.

Sitting there in the pew, surrounded by my fellow catechumens, I realized I was crying -- not because of any poignancy in his words, but from the profound connection I had with them. My own encounter with The Last Temptation of Christ came years before I even considered Catholicism -- many more years before this day -- and I have always seen it as a turning point in my personal spiritual journey, the first time I experienced thinking of God in an accessible personal way. But until this moment it had never occurred to me that it had any connection to Catholicism. And here I was, sitting in Saint Patrick's Cathedral, preparing to affirm my intention to become Catholic with the highly powerful symbolism of signing my name in a book, and the Archbishop of my Diocese, a Cardinal of the Church, is talking about the importance of The Last Temptation of Christ in his personal spiritual journey. I was struck by how personal is each of our journeys. I wondered if any of the other catechumens around me had been moved the first time they read or saw The Last Temptation of Christ, if they even knew what it was. Were any of them moved as I was by Cardinal Egan's experience with it? Then I noticed one of my classmates discretely wiping the tear from her cheek.

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Proof that you can make a business of anything. The bigger question: What were they doing on St. Marks, a few miles from anything corporate? My guess is a paranoid consipracy theorist on my block decided mass shredding had to happen immediately.

It's like when I was growing up in NY and would laugh when Southerners had freezing weather and an inch of snow and everything shut down and cars were sliding off the roads left and right. Now, having lived through a half dozen winters in Midcoast Maine, I watch fellow New Yorkers prepare for storms and cold with bemusement. Ya call this weather?! Sheesh. Also their understanding of cold weather dress is so uninformed. Every time I go out in sub-freezing weather here at least one if not several people say something about my being underdressed, when I'm the warmest one there. They all have puffy parkas or bulky wool coats and all the accessories. I'm wearing what I wore to feed the sheep at 7am in 30 below in Maine: t-shirt under a double-thick sweater under a lined barn coat, plus cap, neck warmer and mittens. (The actual items. There's still straw dust in the pocket of the barn coat a decade later, which makes me smile.) I don't think it's possible to be cold in that, with all the layers trapping warm air. But they think you have to look like the Michelin Man to be warm.

I actually miss the severity of weather up north. It feels real. Something about respecting nature by being in a place where it still runs the show sometimes. As long as I can curl up next to a wood-burning stove with a hot cup of chamomile tea afterwards, then it's fine.

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When I left earlier, around 6, the snow was falling hard, cars were slipping around -- it was cool, and I didn't have my camera. Later we were tromping around the Upper East Side throwing snowballs at each other and I didn't have my camera. Well, I took some when I finally got home at about 1am. The snow had calmed down, but it was still pretty.

CBS and NBC have refused to air the ads. "Because this commercial touches on the exclusion of gay couples and other minority groups by other individuals and organizations," says CBS, "and the fact the Executive Branch has recently proposed a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, this spot is unacceptable for broadcast on the [CBS and UPN] networks." NBC, home of Will & Grace and Queer Eye, just said it was "too controversial."

You can see the ad at http://www.stillspeaking.com/default.htm

If I were a member of a conservative church where only blonde heterosexual couples in blue suits and pink summer dresses with perfect children were welcome, I'd certainly get the message from this ad that I was being criticized. I could understand if a network feared their wrath and didn't want to show it for that reason. What's disturbing about the CBS response is that they cite the executive branch's opposition to gay marriage as the reason it's "too controversial."

So apparently, they're saying that since the President opposes gay marriage, this is the official baseline for our society, and it is a challenge to our government to suggest that being loving and welcoming to everyone is the Christian way.

CBS's reasoning would be more disturbing if it weren't so idiotic. But it is troubling that two of the three major networks balked for whatever reason.

I'm a sentimental ninny -- I will go on a Christmas window outing every year, decorate a tree, see Handel's Messiah, and generally enjoy strolling around my East Village neighborhood streets where trees and lampposts are strewn with strings of little white lights and boutique after boutique offers the perfect gift for that hard-to-get-a-gift-for friend.

The nip in the air, the smell of soup, fogged windows from warm bodies inside: all put a smile on my face. For me, the holiday season never led to suicidal states. It was always a Good month, annoyingly interrupted by a few one-day family events. Those days could be horrific, but I didn't generally blame the season for them.

Family holidays have faded into background memory. My family of semi-choice is more fun. But this year, despite my life being good, and despite its being the fourth holiday season in a row that I'm single, it feels different. I think the fact that my life is good may be the reason my singleness is more problematic. These last few years, I have given the holidays far less recognition -- it's just not the same to go window watching or see a concert without a partner. This year for the first time, I'm feeling not OK with that dearth in my life. At the same time, there's a bittersweet taste to it -- I like that I'm feeling something, even if it's unsatisfying. I think that's a good sign.

-- Philip F. Rose 2004